Written by: The "Mad Crapper"

I think it's important for anyone who doesn't suffer with IBD (Inflammatory Bowel Disease) to understand what we go through when we discover there's a problem. I'm trying to do it with some humor though at the time it was quite concerning. I have found that the best way to deal with this illness after 21 years is to laugh about it and try and make others feel comfortable by making social situations light hearted. This helps everyone understand and feel more comfortable.

Diagnosis Part 2

Hello Again!

Today I'll discuss the Sigmoidoscopy…talk about TOO much information!

Now the rectum scope – The Sigmoid is the lower part of your bowel that ends at the rectum. Any health care professionals out there who want to correct me feel free…its not like I've seen a lot of this body part.

The sigmoidoscopy was probably the quickest test I had. Of course I had to fast for what seemed like a week but in reality was maybe 24 to 36 hours or so. I then had to give myself a pharmacy bought enema. Have you ever given yourself an enema before? See you need to hold the fluid inside for 5 minutes or so and it's impossible to keep all this fluid in while you are vertical.

After a number of attempts at poking the plastic nozzle up my rear end and realizing gravity was starting to tick me off the only solution was to lie on my back in the bath tub with my legs up on the wall…yes what a lovely image I made lying there with a pained expression on my face counting to 100 and singing classic rocks greatest hits in my head to keep my mind off the clock! In the end only able to hold on for half the time I got out of the tub and jumped on the toilet just in time...

Ok, by now I was about as cleaned out as 6 oz's of castor oil or cod liver oil, (whichever one makes you wish you hadn't eaten in the past week) fasting and an enema was ever going to make me. At the hospital again I strip down and put on the gown.

While we're talking about these gowns…did they run out of material when they were making these things! What's the deal with your rear end hanging out of the them? Why can't they make a baggy moomoo or long baggy tee shirt type of cover up that you simply pull up when you need to let it all hang out? Anyway I digress.

I walk into the examining room and I see this hydraulic kneeler thingy that makes the room look like a sterile church confessional. I'm told to kneel on this contraption and hang my arms and upper body over the top. Following orders I do what I'm asked and wonder if they remembered it's my arse I was bleeding from.

Suddenly, the kneeler deal starts growling like a vibrating bed and I realize I'm being turned ass over tea kettle…in other words in 15 seconds my arse is where my head was and I'm hanging onto this thing like its the last lifeboat on the Titanic! So with my arse at altitude and my head filling with blood I focus on counting the floor tiles knowing any second I'm going to have something jammed up my rear.

In hindsight (no pun intended) it would have been nice to know just what that was going to be! Explaining each procedure would be beneficial. That said if one knew what to expect you may not show up for these anal invasions at all!

Suddenly...YEEOOOOOOWOOOWOOOAAHHHHHAHHH…one steamboat...two steamboat…three steamboat…Billy Don't Be A Hero!...You've Blown It All Sky High!...Stuck In The Middle With You!...and just as I thought my teeth were going to get chipped  it was over…ahhhh…

The cradle I was in came to rest normally right side up, the blood rushed back to where it was supposed to be and after a few seconds of getting my bearings I missed every word the doctor told me. Something about you're as clean as a whistle though I'm sure he was just being kind!

As I was getting dressed I notice a waste basket near the kneeler and inside was a plastic tube with a numbered ruler embedded on it that was the size of a paper towel roll (just the cardboard roll, I'm not that brave!)…this went inside me and then the scope went inside of it and had a look around. Again any perpetrators involved in this kind of testing feel free to weigh in, like I said I was in no position to follow the procedure that closely.

So on the way to the waiting room I realized why they said I may need a ride home. My head was spinning and I was walking like John Wayne with True Grit in his drawers! Still with no idea what the diagnosis was but looking forward to a big breakfast!

Follow The Crohns disease chronicles - Fire In The Hole! from the Mad Crapper...


Written by: The "Mad Crapper"

I'm truly living up to my pen name today, writing this excerpt as I tough it out through what I hope is a minor flare up. Running to the bathroom just in time every hour or so. Sick cramps invading my lower abdomen making me want to curl up in the fetal position with a hot water bottle. Instead I sit at my computer blogging about it. What the heck, If i wanted to lie down it would have to be on the bathroom floor just because of simple logistics. If you are feeling this way just remember to smile through it...this to shall pass and keep passing until you have nothing left to give and then there is a small window of relief.

Diagnosis Part 3

There were many blood tests and less invasive tests I endured while searching for what caused the initial bleeding, stool samples, ultra sound, even a chest x-ray? anyway the most anticipated test of all short of exploratory surgery was next - the colonoscopy. Today they are pretty routine due to health advisories, TV commercials etc. but 20 some years ago they were more ominous and a tad unnerving.

To save time suffice to say I had to do my pre test cirque de soliel act in the bathroom and the castor oil (10w30?) endurance test, fasting etc. I would be given a light valium drip and I was told to stay as still as possible while they moved the camera into my bowel.

I was to be awake during this becuse as I was told they guide it through you around corners etc. based on your body reactions?!...My specialist was kind enough to tell me he never had a perforation in all his years and he did a few hundred a year...he said he was the best and I told him i'd hold him to his word.

Now there was a monitor I could watch this on if I could have seen straight and after several attempts to look at it thought the hell with it and just endure. He kept talking about how the camera was moving deeper inside and things looked good. Imagine having a tube the diameter of your index finger pushed into your arse banging into the sides as it goes (there are no nerves in your bowel...hmmph!?). I told anyone listening the camera wasn't the problem...it was the lighting crew in there with it!

As they were finishing up I told him normally I'd expect a glass of wine and a cigerette after this...and other stupid things I'm sure but can't remember them all. I just recall a nurse chuckling. Overall it was probably 15 or 20 minutes of discomfort but not as bad as I thought it would be. I was in recovery for a half an hour orso and my wife was there with me as per Doctor orders. He stopped by and said they removed a couple pollops and that he was 99.999% sure I had Crohns disease.

Well then that was that. Now what? My wife drove to a nearby McDonalds where I pigged out on breakfast and we decided then and there not to worry about the future and live day to day. I believe my family doctor deserves some credit since from my initial appointment he put me on an anti-inflammatory which I've been on ever since. I think this and some other things I've learned over the years contributes to my moderate symptoms and has kept me from surgery or worse.

Follow The Crohns disease chronicles - Fire In The Hole! from the Mad Crapper...